Bryana Nichelson
Dr. Jessica DeSpain
CODES 121
16 September 2023
The Loss of a Father
I was two years old when my stepdad, Cleophus Robinson III, entered my life. He was a source of happiness, a listening ear, an advice giver, and a pillar to lean on when times get tough. I would even go as far as to say he was light in my darkness. He sought after my heart and became more than a stepdad. I was 17 years old when my dad was no longer physically a part of my life. He became my source of pain, my dark place, my loss of hope. Losing my dad introduced me to a level of pain that I have yet to experience from something else. Learning how to navigate life without his presence has taken strength that I didn’t know I had; yet here I am a full year after his passing writing this paper about how much he means to me.
I can’t talk about the man that made it his mission to pick up the pieces of my heart and put them back together without talking about the man that chose to throw me away. My biological father made a conscious decision to not be a part of my life. Knowing that he chose to not be an active parent to me, made me feel so unwanted. He rejected me before I could even grasp the idea of what it meant to be thrown away, leaving me with feelings of sadness, loneliness, and heartache. Often, I wondered “what about me isn’t good enough” or “what have I done to make him not want me as a daughter.” It took someone else showing me what a father’s love should feel like for those questions to stop swirling in my mind. My dad filled shoes that I didn’t know needed to be filled and showered me with love and attention that I silently yearned for.
My dad was an amazing musician and so many people respected his craft. He was skilled in many areas, but music was one he took extraordinary pride in. He played multiple instruments including drums, organ, and piano. He also was an amazing singer, producer, and writer. He had his own studio where he produced countless records for many people. He played behind a multitude of artists and went on tour overseas four times throughout his career. A great deal of his time was spent teaching the things he had learned musically over the years. He had students ranging from ages 2 to 60 years old. My dad passed his passion for music down to me and my siblings. My entire family has a musical ear, but he took time to build a musical foundation in me personally, that I’ve carried throughout my childhood and into adulthood. The numerous voice lessons he gave me and hours of studio time I sat through gave me a passion for music, specifically singing and writing, that I intend to pursue professionally in the future.
My dad showed me what I should look for in a husband. He demonstrated unconditional love and respect for my mom. He made sure she wanted and needed for nothing. It was his heart’s desire to take care of her. I aspire to have the kind of husband my mom had; someone who loves me unconditionally, shows me the utmost respect, and wants to make sure I’m taken care of. My dad set the standard for the type of man I want to build a future with and have a family with.
My dad brought joy to a lot of people’s lives and so many people claimed him as friend or brother. He would spend hours on the phone cracking jokes to make someone smile or just be a listening ear. No matter what he had going on, he made sure to support those he loved. I could always depend on him to make a way out of no way. In some ways he was my savior. I did not need anyone else in my corner when I had him to back me up. I still admire his dedication to others and aim to be the kind of person people can depend on.
So many times, I have wondered “how could he leave me during such a pivotal time in my life?” I was so excited to embark on a new chapter, entering adulthood. My dad passed away on August 8, 2022, right as I was preparing for my senior year of high school. I felt so lost. My protector was taken from me; leaving me to think about who I could run to when things were not going right. Nothing could have equipped me to tackle the grief of losing my dad while also trying to graduate. All the exciting things like the last homecoming, senior prom, and graduation were no longer appealing to me. How could I participate in things that were supposed to bring me joy when he was not there to enjoy them with me? It was extremely hard for me to realize that I did not have to stop living my life just because he was no longer there. Knowing that he would want me to continue living my life was the driving force in getting myself together and experiencing things that brought me joy even if he could not be there to see it.
My village is the reason I am still pushing myself to continue this journey of living beyond grief. I’m so grateful God put people around me that care whether I live or die. Repeatedly I have been on the brink of giving up. I felt like if God took my dad at 36, why couldn’t I leave at 17. Getting through that time of no longer wanting to be alive was difficult. I can’t appreciate my village enough for not letting me give up on me. My support system has been here to wipe my tears when I feel sad and hold me up when I don’t have the strength to stand on my own. 
Although he was not my biological father, he stepped up to the plate and made sure I never felt a lack emotionally and physically. Cleophus Robinson III was not just a regular man,
but a man with a compassionate heart, an empathetic father, a loving husband, and a caring friend. He taught me the importance of strong bonds that cannot be broken by never allowing disagreements or conflict to come between us. He showed me during my darkest times that he would always be there for me and with God on my side I was sure to make it through any tough situation all right. I thank my dad for giving me hope and showing me that I am better than the bare minimum, I can achieve whatever I desire, and go beyond whatever stigmas are placed on me. Because of my dad, I know that I am capable of a love that would lift me up and make me feel valued and wanted.
When I think about fathers, and the people around me who did not have the best examples, I feel for them because I know how good of a dad I had. To even talk about my dad in the past tense seems unreal, but I know that he is not in pain anymore and that he is in a better place to rest. A lot of people did not understand why I had so much strength and closure after he passed, but it is because he always made sure that although I did not realize he would depart from this world as early as he did, I was prepared to make this new transition and new normal that I never realized I would have to adapt to.
C is for clever
L is for loving
E is for exceptional
O is for outstanding
P is for passionate
H is for helpful
U is for unshakeable
S is for sincere
R is for reliable
O is for optimistic
B is for brilliant
I is for inspiring
N is for nourishing
S is for supportive
O is for observant
N is for noble
Cleophus Robinson was an exceptional man who lived a wonderful life, and displayed beautiful energy that I am lucky to have experienced. When I was younger, I never understood why he was so hard on me, but as I got older, I realized that he was hard on me because he loved me and wanted me to be comfortable and live a good life. He never wanted to punish me, but he wanted me to be safe and in an environment that would benefit me as an adult. He did not want me to be in any crowd that would be detrimental to my life because he had been my age before, knew how people could be, and just wanted me to be aware. He was a loving father who wanted nothing but his family to be taken care of. Thank you, dad, for making sure I would be okay.
