What’s it Like to be Different?
Going through high school was always an inner battle, with challenges on the outside. I met a lot of people and changed on a mental level. I had a lot of different opportunities and chances to make a difference in my community. One question I asked myself was” Who am I?” As simple as that can be, it is a question even people in power ask. The feeling of being lost and wanting more but not knowing what more you could want. I sometimes question what things would be like if I were different, but before we go forward, we must go back. Back to a time when things were simpler or so they seemed to be.
(This was one of my favorite photos as of recently. It was around my 5th grade year, and I had got an A on my test. I told my mom about it and she hugged me and told me how well I did. At this time, I truly felt happy with who I was and how peaceful things used to be.)
As a child, I wasn’t in the best of places. We had a place to call our home, but we also had a lot going on in our environment. Growing up I was always considered to be different. I dressed differently, talked differently, and held myself to a different standard. My brother and I were bullied because of that. My mom told me it was because we were different or weird in a sense, but I don’t think it was that. I think it was because I was comfortable with who I was. My mom always taught me to love myself and who I am. When kids bullied me it wasn’t because I was different, it was because I was just being me.
This picture was me around my middle school year. Even though I was having a hard time, my mom was in my corner still helping me to be the best me.
When Covid rolled around I was still transitioning from middle school to high school. I didn’t want to attend the main school in the area because of what happened during middle school. A lot of kids in the area were going to EastSide and I didn’t want to deal with it. So SIUE East St. Louis Charter High School was the next best thing. I had the chance to be myself again and find who I am. The new staff members and kids were something different I experienced. The staff engage more with their kids and work through a lot of work with you. When you had bad days, they were way more considerate of how you felt. A lot of kids seemed the same but different in interactions. They had a lot of similar interests of mine and always had a smile on their face. Everyone was way more friendly, and I related a lot more to people than I thought it would.
This was around my 8th grade year before I started my freshman year. I was attending my last classes for the year and getting ready for graduation.
Being different was never really a bad thing, but people always made it seem like it. I came to terms with that in my senior year. Going through my four years of high school, I still felt like the odd one out. Although freshman year was good, going back in person was a way different experience. The people I thought were cool at the time thought I was weird. I felt alone; all the effort I thought I put forward felt like nothing. I wanted to fit in with the crowd and it never worked out. It was always,” Why are you like that?” or” Why are you so weird?” It wasn’t cause that’s what I tried to do but its what people assumed I was. Listening to different music or watching anime I thought was normal. It was something my whole family use to watch at the time.
Some of the darkest moments of my time made me who I am today. Throughout the storm, there was always light at the end of the tunnel. I found out about this program that came around called R3, a nonprofit organization that gives kids work opportunities. My brother has been in the program for a couple of years and word came around they were inviting new kids to join. Looking for something to feel in this void, I joined the program looking for some form of acceptance. I was nervous my first time around, but everyone accepted me with open arms. I was starstruck by how open and how many different people had different personalities. R3 had some of the brightest-minded people I have met. They didn’t talk down to people but saw the potential in everyone. They never failed to make me smile or show the change I could make. It wasn’t something I was used to and felt like I had a chance to be better.
In this program I met some of the closest people I have to this day. We all started as strangers but soon became brothers. I cried with them and opened my heart with some of them. They made me feel like I had a place in the community I so desperately wanted to be a part of. After my first year in the program, I graduated and became one of their best workers. They allowed me to express myself and I couldn’t have asked for a better group to be with.
I made a full 180 in my senior year and was more confident in my identity. With my brothers on my side, I felt accepted for who I am. There were a lot of things going on this year, but I changed my old habits. My depression wasn’t as bad, and I found new ways to express myself. I started going to the gym and working on my physical health. From being skinny to being big and ending up being stocky was worth the while. I was insecure about my size and felt that people didn’t talk to me because of that. In all reality that wasn’t what made me different even though that’s what my inside voice told me. What made me different was my creativity. The way I saw the best in people and the way life moved. I see the beauty of everything around me and what makes people so special. Maybe it was how I showed empathy to others. I was more intact with my emotions then a lot of people around me. Being different is what I think makes someone beautiful. I later enrolled in dual enrollment classes and went to SIUE for my spring semester in high school.
I did a lot of different things throughout my life that people considered to be different. Was it because I expressed myself differently, or was it because of the thing I found to be interesting? We will probably never know why. One thing I can say is that I’m thankful for these interactions. I wouldn’t be the man who I am today without the things I had to experience. Even the worst of things can turn out to be better things and I’m fine with that.
I started working out around September of last year and haven’t gone back since. I found something I love to do and met a couple of friends along the way. It was a different experience to express myself and have something to be consistent with.