Monthly Archives: October 2024

Why can’t I wash you off

 get you off my skin you contaminated with your disgusting hands 

every cell of my body now contaminated by your disgusting skin 

every time I think you creep amongst my thoughts making my heart beat faster as you come closer to my brain full of the memories the things you did locked up deeply in my mind you open the vault causing the inflection of pain to erupt into my body 

only thing I could think about is the pain you caused me 

the happiness melting away from my body all I want to know is why

 why me 

I replay the moment over and over like a record but every time I expect a different song that never comes

The only thing that happens is your voice replays in my head making me want to scream louder to overpower your voice 

To overpower one of the most important things because I couldn’t overpower you in any other way so I think about your thoughts the grimy  thoughts you could have had about me the thoughts you had when you intertwined with me without my permission and when I was so so young I look into your mind and I see

“I wanted you so I came after you you were small and weak and I could do whatever I want so I did and you liked it deep down” 

I get disappointed in myself because that record overplays in my head the voice telling me how small I am how weak you persuade

 me 

I wish I was big and strong to the point where you didn’t have a chance of taking me but you did and for that I run I run so fast but you still catch up to me the scent of your cologne still penetrates my nose as you take something so valued and precious not just by me but society and I’m blamed for it so I hide with the memories-in the vault of my blame and shame 

And I stay there and wilt to the sound of your voice and the smell of your strong disgusting cologne 

When I think of a black women I think of a tree

Strong brown and beautiful 

A tree that gives nutrients from her branches

A tree who roots run deep into the earth 

A tree who soil helps the earth go round

I also see the way people take advantage of the tree

They take her fruit with no appreciation for how long it took to grow

They uptake her roots without even giving credit to her beauty

They cut her down and expect her to continue to grow 

When I think of myself as a tree

I see the tree from Charlie Brown

I feel weak at my core and limping over from expectations 

I feel my roots are not as deep as those of my sister trees

I feel the nutrients from my branches are sour to those who taste

My trunk often weeps syrup instead of having a tough exterior 

I realized if I was cut down I’m not sure if I could grow back 

The expectation of my trees are intense

But yet they still stand and conquer

They still give the earth the soil it needs 

I am not that strong of tree

I also wished I was a strong as those other generous tree

I than realized i’m stronger than I ever thought I would be but I not as strong as I wanted to be

And I may continue to grow as a tree one day I may accomplish the strength that I wanted but I can not forget the strength I have gathered