Growing Up with Body Dysmorphia
Growing up I used to be seen as a bigger kid among my classmates and I was constantly made fun of and bullied for it from the ages of nine through seventeen. Aside from that, my mom would sometimes make comments that she thought were funny but I did not and it affected me. It took a toll on me and when I got to high school it got worse so I took it upon myself to limit my eating and see if that helped me. And it did, but then I started overeating because I thought it made me feel better and then I was just in a constant battle of under-eating and overeating. I’m still trying to get better at that but it severely impacted my life for the last five years.
Ever since I was young, I have struggled with the image of my body. Growing up, I was called one of the fat kids in my class, and the people I hung out with were considered the skinny and popular ones. It never helped that my parents would do things that did not make the issues better, or when recital time came around for dance and my costume fit a little more snug than everyone else’s. As I got older and the costumes started getting more snug, I would hear the girls in my class saying that they “looked so fat” in their costumes and it was ugly. They did not directly say anything to me but when I would hear that, my brain would interpret that as them saying that if they looked fat and ugly, I probably looked fatter and uglier.
I remember in fourth grade when the friends I had at the time told me we could not be friends anymore because my stomach was too big. I didn’t understand why it mattered but that’s one of the first times I remember feeling insecure about my body. When I got to high school my body image was so much worse because it felt like everyone around me had this insane change between eighth grade and freshman year and I was jealous. This is when it got bad because I started skipping meals and not eating and I would tell myself it made me feel better about myself. I would always feel weak and tired and I thought it was just because I would stay up late at night and do something stupid but once I actually started to start eating again. I hadn’t realized how much damage could be caused just from not eating meals everyday or not eating enough in a meal everyday.
Sophomore year the bullying stopped but I still had this idea in my head that everyone was always looking at me and making fun of me, and I did not know what to do about it. I started making fun of myself too because I thought that if I did it then it would not be as bad as if other people did it, spoiler alert my plan failed. I was still skipping meals but then when I would get hungry I would just binge snack for hours. I tried every weight loss drink on Pinterest and every at-home workout I could find. I started getting severely depressed, which led to me not taking care of myself and always telling myself I would never be good enough no matter how much I tried.
It took me a while to realize that healthy eating didn’t mean calorie counting, only eating fruits and vegetables that meant eating full meals that have all the nutrition someone needs. Sophomore year of high school I took a class called Foods and Nutrition 1, then my senior year I was able to take Foods and Nutrition 2 which had a section about meal planning and what all should be included in the meal. That one chapter is the main reason I started eating meals again. I went from calorie counting to making sure I had all of the food pyramid on my plate. My teacher taught us how to meal plan and the different ways you could incorporate all of the food groups onto a plate and into your day.
I still struggle with eating full meals three times a day, but I am doing much better now than I was two years ago. Sometimes I struggle finishing my meals because my body still isn’t used to eating more than one thing at a time so I have to pause for a couple minutes and let my stomach settle down a little bit, but any progress is good progress so I’ll take the little victories. For the most part, I have gotten to the point where I understand that not every person’s body has to look the same and it’s okay to be a little different. I’ve taken control of me and my health and I can say with wholeheartedness that I am proud of myself for it.