Pain Brings Growth

People sometimes say what they go through defines them. As a girl that has seen and been through a lot at a very young age, I’m here to tell you that this is not the case. What we go through doesn’t make us who we are; it’s how we overcome it and grow from it that defines us. Every trial gives us a story and a testimony to tell when we come out of that bad place. In this season in life many are facing depression, anxiety, heartbreaks, grief et cetera. In the last three years of my life, I have experienced all of them.  

In December of 2021-February of 2022 I was at the lowest point in my life, and nobody really knew or would believe me if I told them. The people I felt like I should’ve been able to talk to made me feel like I was too young to experience depression or that I hadn’t even experienced life yet. I fell into a depression due to many events that were occurring in my life all at once. During this time, I lost myself, a relationship that led to a heartbreak, problems with family members, friends and most importantly God. I went places pretending to be happy and wearing fake smiles to hide the fact that I was hurt inside. When I would finally get into a space by myself, I had an urge to cry because of the emotion that was already there and that I let build up until it was too much for me to handle. Most of the time, I just wanted to be left alone to be able to relieve the stress, hurt, and pain that I was feeling because I wasn’t okay mentally, physically or spiritually.

A quote written by Dan Reynolds says, “People who have never dealt with depression think it’s just being sad or being in a bad mood. That’s not what depression is for me; its falling into a state of grayness and numbness.” In this time, I felt as if there was nobody there for me. As a Christian, it was hard for me to pray, trust God and believe that he would get me through my depression. During this time, I had to realize that if I found my relationship with God again, I wouldn’t feel like this. So as time passed, I was able to gain that relationship back, find myself again, grow from every pain that I’ve felt, and, most importantly, come out of the state that I was in. 

As the year 2023 came around, I spent the very first month living at peace, making goals and plans and thinking that everything would go fine as I got closer to graduating. But death is an unpredictable thing and on, February 22, 2023, my life changed forever. I went from talking to my grandfather three days before, to looking at his unresponsive form in a hospital bed., He was my best friend and my teacher, but my grandfather had decided to trade time for eternity. I was left numb and careless about everything. I was mentally trying to cope with losing someone so close to me while missing two weeks of school, my grades and GPA dropped dramatically. Trying to catch up in school was hard for me and I was convinced that recovery was impossible. As I struggle to find a way to cope, I use my foundation in faith and the church to pray my way through and understand that God wouldn’t put more on us than we can bear. Determined not to give up and make my grandfather proud, I began fighting again towards my goals and making my dreams come true. 

During the first four months of 2024, I battled with anxiety. As I got close to deciding on where I’d live for the next four years and where I’d be educated, I started to worry about all the what ifs. At first I thought I would prefer to stay home for school so that I’d still be close to my family. Growing up surrounded by family and love, I noticed that my separation anxiety played a big part in my decisions as well. Then suddenly, I decided I wanted to go away to school to get away from the norm and become more comfortable with being uncomfortable. I then had to worry about how I’d pay for school, while still not being sure how far I wanted to go. With this being one of the hardest decisions for me in life, I had to pray and fast to know what God already had planned for me. After doing just this, I applied for the CODES scholarship at SIUE and by faith I received it where my tuition paid. 

As I sit and reflect on all that has happened in the last 3 years, I can say that it all changed the way I think and my perspective on a lot of things. Although I went through all of this, I wouldn’t let it necessarily define me today. What I can say is that this helped me grow and determine who I am. I sat back and said that this was meant to be a part of my story. Through this I’ve learned that you must have crazy faith to understand that you aren’t going through your problems alone and know that anything that is thrown at you, you can persevere and get through it because with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). I’ve also learned more about who I am and that I am strong when I may think I am weak. I am more than enough when I think I’m not enough for myself or someone else. All in all, don’t let what you’re going through determine who you are, let it help you find and understand more about yourself.