Jaidyn Sibaja
Dr. Despain
CODE-121-001
22 September 2023
Mental Health Vs. An A.F.J.R.O.T.C. Kid
Honest question, what is worse, band kids or J.R.O.T.C. kids? I want to say band kids, but I could be biased as a four-year Air Force J.R.O.T.C. student. We got a little bit nerdy at times but spending years in the R.O.T.C. program gave me some of the best opportunities throughout my high school career. I had the opportunity to travel out of the state, leadership development opportunities, volunteer opportunities, and the chance to make so many friendships. Even during emotional tolls and mental health struggles, the program gave me something to always be excited about and I always had something to look forward to.
When I was in the eighth grade, I was convinced I was going to join the military one day. I wanted to do some type of medical job in the Army. As I was going through my soon to be high school’s course catalog, I saw information for the Air Force R.O.T.C. program. I had never heard of this before and I was more that intrigued, so I did what any overly fixated 13-year-old does and start going on a Google and YouTube deep dive. I express my interest to my family and my dad did not think anything of it and my mom just told me I would not want to be in the military. When my school counselor pulled me out of my class to go pick out my classes for high school, I was extremely quick to tell her I wanted to do R.O.T.C. It was finally official. Eighth grade ended and about a month into summer break I receive a letter from my high school. It was from the R.O.T.C. program, to inform incoming students that we were invited to participate in drill camp. It was all finally happening, and I was so excited.
Freshman year went by in a blur. There were ups and downs, but it was a great year, nonetheless. I tried to be as involved as possible, but I was struggling. I loved R.O.T.C. and did color guard and saber team, awareness presentation team, and rocket club. Being so involved though was causing me to fall behind academically. I was learning how to navigate being in extra-curriculars and being an honors and AP student. My mental health started declining about midway through the year. I was failing or almost failing three classes, I felt extremely unmotivated, and I did not want to spend time doing the things I loved anymore. My mental health was declining so fast, I was falling back into a mental space that I did not want to be. I was even considering suicide. Unfortunately, I was not a stranger to these kinds of thoughts and idealizations. I knew the only way for me to improve was to take a step back from some of my activities and to ask for help. I was able to get the help I needed from the people I loved and from my teachers. Freshman year took a lot out of me mentally and when everything was starting to look up, the pandemic hit.
Going through my second year of high school during a global pandemic was anything but normal as I am sure you can assume. I was doing great in school, but I missed everything about actually going to school. I missed seeing my friends and working through R.O.T.C. Eventually we went into hybrid learning and I was able to get back to some of the things I had been missing so dearly. Life was looking up in terms of the pandemic and I was over the moon. I joined the drill team and even got to go to a competition towards the end of the school year. I knew that the pandemic could not hold me back in terms of R.O.T.C. because I had goals of working my way to the top and becoming a leader. I did everything I could to balance school and R.O.T.C. I was taking every opportunity thrown my way and got myself a cadet staff position, running the awareness presentation team, going into my junior year.
I went into my junior year with the idea in my head that it was going to be the hardest year of my time in high school. I was going strong in R.O.T.C.; at the end of this year, I would find out if all my hard work paid off and if I was going to get a command staff position. For context, the command staff is a group of 10 highest ranked cadets who oversee different parts of the R.O.T.C. program and act as the leaders of the entire program. I remember looking up to the command staff my freshman year and making it my goal to be there my senior year. I continued to work my heart out. I put in countless hours going into school early to do work and not leaving for three hours after school had ended. I was drained academically, mentally, and emotionally. I was working over my limits and struggling with the death of my grandfather. Almost all the work I was doing was related to R.O.T.C. and I would help in every way I could. This program was becoming my life and sometimes it felt like I was spending more time at school than I was at home. May 1st, 2022, was our R.O.T.C. end of year banquet known as Dining Out. This was the day we said goodbye to seniors, received awards, and found out who would be moving into the command staff positions. I was so anxious; I remember bouncing my leg up and down obsessively and how my hands were shaking from all the nerves of not knowing if I was going to get a position. We were finally down to the top three positions in the entire program, I was breathing so heavy waiting for our instructor to announce the position that I had my eyes on, Operations Squadron Commander. I heard my name get called and I felt my entire world shift. It worked. All my hard work paid off and all the tears and long days finally made sense. I felt like I was going into senior year invincible. Boy was I wrong.
I made it to senior year. If you would have told me in seventh grade or during freshman year that I was going to make it to senior year AND be excited about it, I would not have believed you. I went from being in a constant battle with mental illness and suicide to being in two honor societies, multiple sports, and multiple clubs. Do not get me wrong though, I struggled a lot senior year. My grades weren’t bad enough for me to be failing, but I was working a part-time job, trying to stay active in school, and balance good grades. I had developed a sick need to do everything. I wanted to be perfect at everything and be able to do everything. I did not want to leave high school with any regrets about all the things I did not get to do. My need to try and do everything perfectly took a toll on me mentally but I was not sure who to ask for help. I did not want my problems to seem trivial when I had friends who were doing everything I was doing and more. I cried a lot and struggled a lot, but I kept my head up. I worked through my adversity and found the help I needed. I just needed to graduate. I was ecstatic to get out of high school, even though the closer graduation day came, the more I wanted it to last for a little bit longer. I was getting ready to say goodbye to the school that watched me go from a struggling freshman with a 2.3 grade point average to a senior who was now getting ready to go to college. Graduation day finally rolled around, and I cannot lie, nothing feels exciting until the graduation is over. When it was all over there was nothing left for me to do except hug my friends and family that never left my side and cry. It was a good cry, one that I finally did not feel ashamed of. I felt all the little pieces fall into place. I was proud of myself, and nothing could have taken that feeling away.
As I sit and finish writing this, I think about all the things I am going through now. The emotional and physical toll that college has taken on me already, how I have been able to get through it by finally advocating for myself, and how I now know that I can achieve this dream of being the first person to graduate college and make my family and myself proud. I never would have thought that a high school class could change my life and set me up with all my opportunities and helped me be where I am, but I would never trade it for the world. I know now that all the struggles I went through set me up to be where I am today, and I am forever grateful.
