Becoming โHerโ
Growing up in a household with just my younger brother, mom and I, there were many ups and downs within the household. Iโve always felt like being a first-born child and being the older sibling is a lot. Being the first born really feels like you were born last and what I mean by this is how there can be this thing called โfavoritismโ within you and your younger siblings. Favoritism can be so obvious to the person thatโs getting treated wrongly but blind to the doer, the parent(s). And being the older sibling just puts so much weight on your shoulders just because you must set great examples and expectations for them. But sometimes this can be hard while dealing with mental issues coming from an unhealthy and toxic household environment and also within.
In this picture is a photo of my mom and me, I remember this day like it was yesterday. We took pictures together all the time and youโd think we had the best relationship ever, but it was all fake. And looking back at pictures like this just kind of triggers me because someone can bring you into this world and not genuinely love you and treat you with love and care can damage you really bad to the point where youโre mentally traumatized.
For years Iโve struggled with my mental health and figuring out who I was as a person. Still to this day, I do not know who I am completely, but I know who Iโm striving to be and itโs someone better than who my mom was and my past self. Iโve always doubted myself of who I was, and what I was capable of because of how my mom treated me. Sheโs always told me negative things about myself and how so many bad things will happen to me in the future, always would put her hands on me and just a lot of mental, physical and emotional abuse. All my life this was happening to me. So eventually I started to believe these things that she would say to me, which had me thinking everything that she would say was true. And one thing Iโve learned is what you believe is what you are. So, I was in fact a โbad childโ or โproblem kidโ because of the things that I went through and experienced. I started losing weight, getting into toxic relationships, getting suspended from fights that occurred because Iโve witnessed my mom putting her anger out on me was a way that she could cope with her pain, so I did the same by fighting in school. But as I grew older and was able to realize right from wrong and what real love is, I knew that my mom wasnโt raising me the right way and I was damaged, but I had the power to turn my life around.
I inserted this slight glance of a picture of my arm that I dislocated really bad, to always remind myself that this was one of my biggest challenges in 2023. As a cheerleader in high school, at the start of my senior year I dislocated my elbow. I didnโt realize that not only Iโd be physically hurt but also mentally. And what I mean by that is that I would get mean comments about my arm, I had mental breakdowns because I wasnโt able to do certain things that I was used to because of my arm. Like, eating, showering with both hands, typing, not being able to do my hair, putting lotion on arms with both hands and many other things. It was a lot of mental challenges and breakdowns because of something new like this and all I wanted was support and again, my mom wasnโt there how I wanted her to be. It was always the bare minimum with her. She wouldnโt get me to my physical therapy or checkup appointments and that physically affected me. But as I got through hateful comments at school, challenges at home, and other things I had to tell myself that this is normal, and things will happen. Itโs all about your mindset and what your intake and believe. Because believe it or not, sooner than later I stopped listening to the bad things about myself, even what I was telling myself and I looked at the bigger picture. This was another life lesson for me to keep pushing and to never give up because I am not alone and other people face things like this daily.
All Iโve always wanted was love and to be treated right. I would think to myself, is she being physically, mentally and verbally abusive because of what sheโs going through on the inside or is she actually like this? I always wonder why people act the way that they do and why they are this way, but Iโve never actually been able to put my finger on it. One thing that I do know is that hurt people hurt people. Some things people say they donโt mean or sometimes it’s how they mean from within. But I just had to learn to listen to the positive and not the negative and to learn to always include God in everything I do because heโs genuinely there for me if I seek him. Iโve learned to not give everything a reaction. I started doing things to better myself like going to church, I moved with my aunt, helped my brother out because my mom ended up getting sick from drinking a lot of alcohol, I kept myself focused on school to get to college and thatโs where I am now. Iโve learned that no matter how I get treated or what I go through everything will be okay in the end. Just have faith and keep going and I may lose people that mean the most to me like my mom for example, but things happen and not everyone is meant to be in the light that you bring that theyโre dimming.
This is a picture of me and my brother on the first day of school. I was a senior in high school, and he was a freshman in high school. Our mom wasnโt here on our first day of school, she was sick around this time, and this is when she started going back and forth to the hospital. We knew that we needed her, but we needed ourselves and each other too and in order to have the life that weโve always wanted or to be at peace, we had to start somewhere and strive. For me, school was a key to success. I have always been an intelligent young woman, but getting into fights, toxic relationships, getting evited from multiple homes, splitting apart from my family, family drama and financial issues, made a big impact on my life. It helped me become who I am today. I will always be grateful for the things that Iโve gone through because it has made me a strong and mature person. And thereโs going to be many other challenges that I may face in the future but if I believe that I can and will overcome them I will be great.